Falls are terrifying. Dad’s had quite a few recently, and has had 3 in 24 hours last week. The second one required a trip to the emergency room because he got a big ol’ bump on his head.
There’s a feeling that my sister and I share that Dad could really fall at any moment he’s standing or walking. We’re on RED ALERT pretty constantly. I’ve talked with my dad about this and he’s shared that oftentimes he thinks he’s got it — that he won’t fall because he doesn’t feel off balance at the time. Until he does.
The falls seem to be happening for a number of different reasons:
- over-reaching
- a tendency to tip backwards when standing straight
- dizziness (although Dad doesn’t feel like this has as much to do with it)
- distraction
We’ve worked with him on these things: standing in a power stance/”ninja” stance/athletic stance, or bow stance (like the stance you’d stand while shooting a bow and arrow) for balance; addressing his equilibrium between his ears that may effect the tipping over backwards (with the physical therapist); hydration for dizziness; not using devices or being distracted while standing or walking — this one in particular is a sticky battle, and might get it’s very own post on this website someday.
He’s gotten better around these things in many ways. He can walk and stand pretty well if he stays on top of his awareness about doing so. But remaining aware at all times is a very difficult thing to do, and unrealistic to expect of someone to do 100% of the time: imagine having a requirement to not be distracted and always be standing in a powerful stance any time you are standing up.
I remember Dad saying to me once that asking him to do this is like asking me or someone else to meditate and not have any distracting thoughts — aaand enter a distracting thought.. and another one… and another one… and…).
Try it yourself. Stop having distracting thoughts for a moment.
How’d that work out for you?
These methods have proven difficult for my dad to absorb and remember to do consistently enough for us to come off RED ALERT, and being on constant RED ALERT is simply not a sustainable mindset (although we’ve become somewhat used to the feeling). Dad’s not really at a point where he needs to stop standing and walking either (like sticking to a wheelchair at all times) either, he makes amazing steps and stands well on his own two feet when he’s of the mind to do so.
We all feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. These falls are tough, they’re scary, they’re often dangerous. Figuring out where to go and what to do next is a tough and scary thing too.
And reactions to falls…
For a long time, my fear and frustration that I can’t help my dad has come out towards him like he can do better, and that he can do something about it. Truth is, maybe he can, maybe he can’t, and the answer probably lies somewhere in between. But making the point that it’s going to be up to him if there is something he can do about it has often come from from a reactionary place of frustration, even if I’m attempting to not show it.
Recently I’ve been better about this. However, I’ve noticed over the years of his falls that my attempts to teach the lesson in that moment, while we’re both shaken up, simply isn’t effective and makes us both feel like shit. It’s also contributed to him getting down on himself about the falls, which he still does and is heartbreaking. This is just so. completely. the opposite of how I want to be for my dad or myself.
So what do we do?
Well, we reached out to Dad’s general physician regarding the recent increase in falls, as well as the increased feeling of overwhelm in supporting my dad since we’re always of aware that he’s likely to fall anytime when standing or walking. We’ve been set up to have an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, a nurse, and a social worker come in for support. This actually has become overwhelming in and of itself, but that’s another story for another time (again, maybe a future post).
As an emergency measure while being so much in RED ALERT mode, we’ve now asked my dad to call us or ring a charming little bell when he wants to stand up and move around, ensuring one of us is around as he’s up on his feet.
Learning from these falls, even the ones where he falls safely onto his bed or the couch, or where he’s able to grab something before he actually falls, feels like a small but extremely important measure.
As much as we want to get to a big step, a big “fix”, which there may be, there’s no great answer right now.
So for now our plan is:
- continued support by the professionals (therapists and nurses) and following where that leads
- any sort of simple (ish) safety measures we can implement quickly and fairly easily
- temporary emergency moves for safety (like Dad letting my sister or I know any time he’s up)
- and really learning from any sort of fall. Not just gentle acknowledgment either. It’s got to be learning with determination and inspiration of what’s still possible (and what’s at stake).
These immediate moves may give us the space we need to come down from this unsustainable RED ALERT mode.
And about the reactions:
I’ve found myself getting better about responding (rather than reacting) to the situation with deep consideration of and empathy for my dad, and myself. Here are a few of the steps I’m personally working on in finding a positive way forward from a fall:
- First off: making sure we start with a hug (for both of our sakes — it’s so important and beautiful)
- Calming each other down
- Talking about what happened with openness and directness, while ensuring I’m coming from the right place: my deep love and respect for my dad (rather than coming from the place of frustration)
- Talking about how we’re feeling
- Talking about how we can both do better
- Asking what might we do next
- Considering together how can we move a little further towards getting outside of the rock and the hard place
This alone has been a small adjustment for important results. At very least, in our loving relationship and both of our well-being.
One Last Gem
One thing that has come up after the 3 most recent falls, now that I’m staying close to him while he’s walking, has proven to be a beautiful new way to work with my dad. Here’s the gist of it:
I walk behind him with my hands on his shoulders, putting a little weight on him, while he’s walking. I can make small adjustments to his balance and to his movements where it seems supportive.
He’s been walking and moving really well doing this, it’s been really fun to see. I also get to connect with him, I feel connected to him while he’s moving.
This is, first of all, extremely touching (yes, and a pun). Second of all, it might be something that is really effective in his understanding of what he can do. This opens up a gentle way for me to support him with his movements, brings a deeper sense of connection with him, and encourages his presence in his movements. Talk about small but important positive ways forward!
It’s a cool way to work together, so we’ll see how this one goes, maybe even record it for our YouTube channel (wanna subscribe?).